and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
