I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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