Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
