I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
