i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
