textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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