Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I could fuck to npr.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
