How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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