the condom got lost in my hair
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize