I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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