Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Found the puke drawer
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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