I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
