i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize