i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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