Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
