if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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