I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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