so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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