You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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