I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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