drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
