I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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