Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
