I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
