A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
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