I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
