you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
