Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My breasts were aching with rage.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
