I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
