I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
4 words: hood of his car
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So apparently I’m into choking now
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