Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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