im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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