ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
