Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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