life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
