Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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