I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
