i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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