after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
