I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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