I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
