3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You just made me feel so damn special
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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