At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
