how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
