You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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