he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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