i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
