I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize