I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
