i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Ketchup is God's man juice
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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