I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
