Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
