I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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