Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
