I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
