The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
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