Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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