The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
