this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
