The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
