You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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