toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
