I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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