He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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