when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
